just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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