Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize