I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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