drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Randomize
