Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
