Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
