all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
