Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
