But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
It's blow job season.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
