our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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