Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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