I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
