as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
