I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize