the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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