just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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