im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
