i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
