sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Your cock deserves a montage
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
