Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
