I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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