shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
