The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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