theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
