I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
