I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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