Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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