I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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