Can i not drive my cunt home
her facebook's as public as her vagina
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
