where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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