I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
