There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
