I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
