I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
