my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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