Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
