Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
