this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Randomize
