just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
