The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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