Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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