He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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