I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
