a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize