then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
