I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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