My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
