"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
