Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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