just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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