So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
