does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
