I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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