I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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