how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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