My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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