I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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