She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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