Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
