you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
