it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
