roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
