the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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