If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize