my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
