My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
