I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Pants are for mortals
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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