Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
